Life feels so hard and heavy lately...

Unfortunately, Life feels so hard and heavy when I'm in the office.  Pretending to be okay and holding it until the afternoon. I didn't even know how it could be like that. Sometimes I want to give up and leave all this behind but, what can I do? I need the money to pay the bills:( 

If I choose to surrend I don't even know what will I do after that, but I have to hold nauseous everyday and want to throw up. I wanna cry that why I'm being so weak, why I can't be normal like others, why I always feel sick. I can't hold it anymore, mentally and phisically are tired but I have to go to work and do my routine. I Act like I'm okay, when reality I'm not.  One day I was sicked and no one knew that I had trhow up in the toilet, I kept it myself, because I don't want to look so weak. So, I kept silence instead of speaking. Hiding tears and endure the pain for almost everyday. I hope my parents know what  I'm feeling and ask me to resign and cover my bills, I will.  

I was good, I was really good :(  

Sadly, here I'm today. Weakly. Sickly. Body's aching all the time. I disappointed on myself. How could I move all this pain. It really painful. Seeing myself drained, powerless. HOWEVER I HAVE TO MOVE. I think this one is part of beeing an adult. You must responsible with yourself. 

Still fresh in my mind that I was good at everything :D. I always  ranked when at school. I was Smart. I knew this all happend because of myself. I destroyed my future-- my life, myself. How can I change all of the mistake I've made. I don't know how long I will Caryying all of this. Hope everything will goes well and I'll be okay.